All Of Our Friends Have Kids (maybe we should steal one)
by Bearbutt
Summary: Artemis is pregnant. She and Kaldur agreed they weren't gonna have kids. Turns out they actually want them. Fluffy friends and babyfic. Rated M for hotness and language.


**It's a Sea Arrow babyfic. There's all sorts of other stuff thrown into the mix there. It's me so if it's not angsty then it's full of sexy-times.**

**plaes rwvie**

**-B**

She holds the white plastic tube loosely in between her index and thumb. The results are a Rorschach test for her future. Right now, Artemis is on the precipice. Her ass dangling over the toilet bowl and the shaky breath of anticipation.

The box boasts the test's accuracy.

Artemis sticks her hand between her legs and aims.

* * *

Artemis sticks his hand between her legs and guides it to her clit. His breath is cool on her neck.

"Kaldur."

"Yes."

"Do you want to have kids?"

He moves back to stare her in the eye. It's as if he's contemplating the condom he just rolled onto his cock. Torn between blown-eyed lover and responsible leader he clears his throat.

"I am not sure if it would be wise... for me to raise a child."

Artemis blows out a shaky breath and rests her head against his shoulder, chuckling.

"Is that something you want?"

"Not really. You just made my life so much easier. It was something I used to fight with Wally about. He wanted the whole family shindig."

"Family for him wasn't as complicated."

"Yeah." She's crying.

* * *

She's relieved. The test boasting 98% accuracy after just three weeks lays her future out before her in blue and white.

Artemis is pregnant.

Wait. Why is she happy about this? She fists a handful of blonde hair and grunts. Why do things get complicated just when they were getting good and settled?

She's been with Kaldur for eight years. They share the rent of a townhouse in San Francisco. Every time his mother mentions the two of them getting married, Artemis feels the need to hide under a sink and drink a whole bottle of cooking sherry.

Her mother has taken to calling Kaldur the "Good Son-in-Law". He just gives her a tight smile and kisses Artemis behind her ear.

He wants more. But his patience is like the ocean. Deep, vast, and perhaps filled with poisonous jellyfish.

Artemis isn't sure what she wants. Her reaction to pregnancy is a little unexpected. She had flashes of the spawn eating its way out of her womb -at best, or raising it and becoming just like her parents -at worst. Now that there's a decisive answer on the state of her womb she finds herself thinking of a baby with webbed toes and a cloud of blonde hair. She fantasizes about first days of kindergarten and teaching a child how to string a bow.

Holy shit, she wants it.

A minor meltdown follows her pulling her shorts up. She thinks about hiding the evidence. She thinks about stuffing it in a cake and then giving Kaldur the cake.

But that last one is really fucking gross because she peed on that plastic.

He's at a meeting with King Orin. She guesses it has something to do with inter-dimensional rifts in the Pacific Ocean or something. It means that she has little over an hour to come to some sort of conclusion of how to tell him.

Kaldur walk in the door. He stretches his arms above his head and is met with the scent of chocolate cake. He sticks his head in the kitchen, concerned.

"It smells like cake in here."

"Don't get excited. It's from a box."

Artemis is huddled over the cake like an artist guarding their work from prying eyes. His fond smile is unseen, it's the secret smile he reserves for her.

He kisses the back of her neck. His hands go to her waist. Artemis turns in his arms to embrace him. Over her shoulder he sees the messy icing message on top of the cake. His voice is light and airy. She watches his eyebrows reach his hairline.

"You put a baby in me." He reads.

"I wanted to add 'with your sea men'."

"Of course you did."

"Not enough icing. Which is white of course."

"Like my semen."

"That was the joke, yeah."

They end up eating small pieces of the cake before dinner. Kaldur keeps his non-combative silence and watches her over the rim of his water glass. Artemis relents with a sigh.

"So, baby."

"Yes, baby." He repeats.

"How do you feel about that?"

"It's your body and therefore your decision. I don't want to convince you either way."

"I've already made up my mind. I want to know what you think, Kal. Jesus, this isn't some fucking political meeting."

"We previously agreed that neither of us considered ourselves good parent material. That said, sometimes when I see Roy with Lian I take a minute to think about... a hypothetical child."

"Ha! You totally want my baby."

Kaldur puts his head in his hands. Artemis feels like a jerk and pulls at his hands. She gets on her knees and presses her head to his lap.

"Kaldur. I'm keeping it."

He pulls her into his lap.

"Please, don't present the news to your mother this way. Or my mother. Any mothers in general."

* * *

"Swiggity swag, I'm pregnant."

"That doesn't rhyme." Jade says.

Kaldur slaps his forehead. It's not a cake, it's worse. Roy looks up from his spot on the sofa. Lian and he are playing Mario Kart. Him giving Kaldur a thumbs up costs him his lead.

"Lian! You hit me with a blue shell!"

"Them's the rules of the game, Daddy."

Roy shoots Kaldur an incredulous face. He shrugs in response and continues sipping his lemongrass tea.

"So, you knocked my sister up with your little sea men."

"I already made that joke."

They high five and Kaldur wills himself not to roll his eyes.

"But, yeah. We're here to ask your advice, because you kinda reproduced with good results. Which usually isn't saying much, but with this economy is quite a feat."

"Well, sit down Little Sister, and let the master teach you. I know all about parenting."

In the other room Lian shakes her head and shouts "Noooooope!"

Jade ignores her daughter's protests.

"First of all, learn to love panty liners. You will soon have a fetus playing football with your bladder. It sucks. Also, Pepto, lots of it. Morning sickness is a sign of an intelligent and healthy baby. Mom's gross herbal teas work surprisingly well for late-term ever-present heartburn. Kaldur, you are her food and sex slave for the next nine months. Enjoy sex, because it probably won't happen again for at least a year after the baby is born."

There's a pregnant pause.

"Also, exposing your fetus to napalm may result in it growing an extra toe."

"Mom!"

* * *

M'gann hasn't stopped making those weird clicking noises into Artemis's stomach. Conner and Kaldur are in the kitchen making some sort of man-casserole.

"Are you like... communicating with it?"

"It doesn't have enough brain cells, or actual cells, for me to do that yet. I'm just enjoying the whale noises of your stomach."

"We've been sitting here for fifteen minutes, M'gann."

"Whaaalllleeess."

Artemis gently pushes her friend off her body. Which is like moving six hundred pounds of butterflies or something. M'gann is fucking heavy but not at the same time. She moves onto her knees and grabs at Artemis's hands.

"I'm just so happy that you're having babies so they can be friends with my babies and we can go to Build A Bear without it being weird."

Artemis is about to protest that it isn't weird when they go to Build A Bear, but she's tackled by a mess of pale arms and red hair.

"Artemis!"

Conner and M'gann's oldest has inherited their love of almost violent affection. L'la doesn't identify with either gender and keeps a neutral human figure and red mohawk. Xie is also head to toe covered in freckles. Artemis adores L'la, so she responds to the hug with equal enthusiasm.

"L'la!" She says her name like a song.

L'la crawls into her lap and pokes at her abdomen, curious.

"Mama says you're going to have a baby. Will it be just one, or will you be laying Atlantean eggs?"

Artemis pales. She hasn't thought too hard about the fact that her baby might have gills. She needs to have this talk with Sha'lain'a. Should she surgically get her own pair of gills?

Sensing her discomfort, M'gann and L'la brush their fingers along her ribs.

"I, uh, can't answer that right now."

L'la stomps off to the kitchen.

"Kaldur, did you hatch from an egg?!"

Artemis winces.

* * *

"Kaldur did not hatch from an egg, no more than an otter would."

Artemis feels a smile tighten her face. Kaldur as an otter would be the most adorably calm critter ever.

"Kaldotter."

"So, it's a girl then?" Calvin asks.

"Oh, no, I don't know. I was making an amalgamation of Kaldur and otter, not Kal's Daughter."

"Ah."

"So, um, Calvin, I've been meaning to ask you." Artemis points to her neck.

"The gills?"

"Did getting them hurt? How does that actually work. I mean, wouldn't you have to change your entire respiratory system to account for the added air breathing system?"

Calvin looks at her and presses a finger to her lips.

"Shhh. It just does."

"But-"

"Magic."

"Okay."

* * *

"_Magic is just a term we use for science that we can't yet explain."_

Artemis breaks a dish.

* * *

Kaldur and Artemis are lying on their back's in the back yard. She's showing now and they're playing with plastic dinosaurs on her stomach. She waits for Kaldur's colony of Apatosaurus to conquer the small patch of freckles near her ribs before she speaks.

"Let's pinky promise to not name our child after a dead person. I don't want to dump that kind of baggage on an infant."

"Wallace and Tula are obviously out." Kaldur nods.

"Plus, I think it's really fucking weird that I'd be screaming my kid's name -because they're gonna be a little shit who runs off at the beach to go and play with dogs or whatever- and it's the name I used to scream in the throes of passion."

"I dislike that you refer to our potential offspring as a 'little shit'."

Artemis rubs his bicep, "Baby, it's gonna be half-Crock, you can't fight genetics."

* * *

Paula is weeping for joy and it's weird to see her crying over something happy for a change. A good kind of weird. She's lighting incense and thanking her little Buddha statue. Artemis hovers near the sofa, uneasy.

"So, you're not mad that it'll be a bastard born out of wedlock?"

"Heavens no, Artemis Crock, you are going to marry that young man and let him make a decent woman out of you."

She breaks into a cold sweat.

"Ma. I don't really think that's necessary."

"Nonsense, Artemis. You've been together for almost ten years."

Artemis sits down because the weight on her ankles right now is absolute torture.

"That's what I mean. We're as settled as we need to be. I don't see why we need to make a big deal about it."

Paula sighs and rolls over to her daughter.

"You need to think about your child. What if one of you dies? God forbid. But, lots of life insurance policies only list direct family members. Or what if you separate? You'll need legal protection."

It's a troubling set of thoughts and they follow her home like a puffy grey storm cloud. As she walks through the front door the cloud is just beginning to rumble.

Kaldur's on his laptop working when she comes in. He feels her bad mood before he sees it on her face. He closes the lid and pats the spot next to him. She steps out of her shoes and drops to the sofa. Artemis adjusts her position so that her feet are in Kaldur's lap. He smiles and begins to rub them.

"What did your mother say?"

"She wants us to get married."

Artemis winces at the pained look that hides behind Kaldur's eyes.

"Kal. Baby. I love you and want to be your partner and lover for as long as I can hold a bow, and probably after that too, because tendonitis is a thing. It's just that marriage destroys relationships."

"Based on your parents' relationship and Jade."

"Exactly. If they had just stayed domestic partners, everything would have been fine."

"I think there's probably more to it than that. My parents are married, our friends are married."

"Yeah, well I don't want to talk about it. So much for you being okay with our arrangement and not wanting to pressure me." She folds her arms and removes her feet from his lap.

"You're the one who brought it up." He throws up his hands.

Then he growls and storms off.

"I need to not be around you right now, I might say something hurtful." He says before leaving with the dog in his flip flops.

Artemis leans back against the cushions and cries.

"Perfect."

* * *

"Hey."

"Hey."

"So, I was being a huge asshole and I'm sorry."

"I forgive you. I could have been more supportive of your decision."

"I have marriage issues."

He smirks, "I gathered."

"But, Tigers do mark their territory. Not that I don't do that often and eagerly. Perhaps a permanent piece of jewelry to fool people into thinking we're married is in order."

"That will show them."

* * *

"Show me!" Zatanna says.

Artemis holds up her left hand. The golden band is an oddly comforting weight. Like the life inside her, it's grounding.

Zatanna tuts, "Certainly isn't fancy."

"Hey, it's got waves on the band. That's fancy as fuck. Gemstones just fall off when you backhand someone."

"Not if they're set properly." But Zatanna raises her hands in apology.

The little cafe they're in is a few blocks from Amistad and Zachary's school. It's a kitschy place with a wood fire and walls lined with books.

It's the weird thing about having friends with kids. Their lives all rotate around their children. Zatanna is Mother Numero Uno while Raquel is helping with an off-planet dispute. She smiles, but Artemis sees the anxiety coiled in the base of her spine. Every five or so minutes she checks her phone.

She and Kaldur maintain radio silence when they're on separate missions. But, that's almost never. God, she's going to have to leave him in the field by himself for at least a year.

Suddenly, her serenity is gone and she's rubbing at her stomach.

"Hey. Where'd you go?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"We have forty-five minutes to go and wreck shit if that'll get you to talk."

"Nah, I'm good. How do you think I'd look with gills?"

* * *

"I'd never have to worry about drowning again."

Kaldur looks up from his spot between her thighs. With a wet suckling sound he moves his mouth to speak.

"Is that really what you're thinking about while I'm pleasuring you. Because, not to be 'that guy', Artemis, but typically my oral skills have women incoherent."

"Plural?" She moves a foot to his shoulder.

"Back in the day I was quite the player."

"Mmmhm."

Cheeky, he sticks his tongue back in her and she squeaks. Her fingers immediately seek to push his head in further.

The topic of gills is the furthest thing from her mind after a gushy orgasm and ten hour sleep.

* * *

"I dunno. Gills're weird." Gar says for her sake.

Gills are normal for him because he's young and he's been shapeshifting for more of his recent memory than not. It's nice of him to say so though.

"I mean, how do you breathe when they're just there and there's no water? I've never seen Kal's flap around, but with my luck they would. Actually, with my luck, I'd die on the operating table."

"If you're that worried about it, don't do it. It's not like you'll be able to get it until after the baby's born." M'gann says through a mouthful of cookie.

Artemis attacks her hair with her hands and groan. She feels like a beached whale with her water baby rolling around inside of her. Sleeping is hell, walking is only slightly better. M'gann has offered to carry her telepathically for the next few weeks. It's getting more and more tempting. She waddles. You can't string a bow if you're waddling.

"Are you sure you don't want to know the sex?" M'gann offers.

"It's a girl. At least if she chooses to be what her bits are."

She has a terrible poker face. Artemis can tell her suspicions are correct.

"Nguyen's have only girls. Seriously, five generations. My mother says it's some kind of curse."

"I always thought it was like... some way of evening out the super sausage fest of the previous generations of heroes." Gar says.

"My baby is not going to be a superhero."

"Famous last words."

"She's not. She's going to be an accountant or a nurse or maybe a graphic artist."

Gar leans back and turns into a terrier, "Nah, she's gonna be a superhero and play the bass or something equally awesome."

Artemis huffs and throws a pillow at him from her perch on M'gann's bed.

"If it has red hair I'm blaming you." She points at M'gann.

M'gann starts counting backwards on her fingers, "Hm, might be."

"Don't even joke!"

"Well we did have that sleepover like nine months ago."

* * *

Artemis is making a hotpot when her water breaks. Surprisingly calm, she strides into the bathroom where Kaldur is taking a bath.

"We need to go to the hospital."

He drains the tub.

M'gann keeps trying to link with her telepathically. Artemis's mind is gone. She's pure instinct and rage. She's swearing in four different languages and the nurse looks a little impressed. Ever calm Kaldur is tearing at his hair because he's terrified this baby's going to rip his partner in half. Her grip on his hand is straining the webs between his fingers.

* * *

Eight fingers, two thumbs, ten toes. All webbed.

Kim-Ly Mai Crock-Durham is born at a healthy nine pounds four ounces. Artemis is surprised her vagina didn't tear. The expanded stomach now lies pouchy and loose under her suckling daughter.

She's covered in a fine layer of golden curls and has gills. Kaldur hasn't stopped crying. She's sent him off to rehydrate himself. M'gann's finally made a connection with her and is sharing the news with the others.

"Let me see her." Jade stands in the doorway.

"Please tell me you didn't kill the nurse."

"Not kill. Maybe maim."

She walks to sit on the edge of Artemis's bed. With gentle fingers she feels the hairs on the back of Kim-Ly's hair. Then she moves to the gills. It causes the baby to squirm and giggle.

"Kaldur does that too." Artemis says.

Her eyes are fixed on her daughter. A little perfect specimen of genetics.

She's... perfect.

* * *

EPILOGUE

It's a little worrying how it happened. A prison riot at Belle Reve. It was on the fucking news.

All for this.

She stares at two wrapped packages they've thoroughly checked for bombs. No bombs. In one there's a clothing set, newborn, six weeks, twelve weeks, twenty-four weeks -all gender neutral sleepers with a card 'From Babu'. The other has a catcher's mitt and Lego 'From Grandpa'.

Kaldur looks at her over the sleepers and shrugs. They'll call Amanda Waller later.


End file.
